FEMA MOVES ON CA WILDFIRE VICTIMS

Late Tuesday night, a squad of FEMA senior internment specialists from Washington secretly departed Andrews Air Force base bound for the wildfire-razed countryside of northern California, where the largest fire in the state’s history has already claimed a dozen lives, displaced thousands, and singed over…

FEMA REQUESTS MORE PLASTIC COFFINS

On Monday, FEMA Deputy Chief of Staff William Zito told DHS acting Deputy Secretary Claire Grady that the Federal Emergency Management Agency needed more “storage containers” and “gardening tubs” to fulfill obligations as outlined in the Patriot Act, said an active FEMA officer speaking under…

FEMA ORDERS 2500 GALLONS OF HYDROGEN CYANIDE FROM BRAZIL

The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) has ordered 2,500 gallons of hydrogen cyanide from Brazilian chemical manufacturer Askell Quimica, says a FEMA employee wishing to remain anonymous. The agency, he said, solicited bids from fifteen foreign manufacturing plants before selecting Quimica as a supplier. This…

FEMA ADMIN HINTS AT MARTIAL LAW; REQUESTS MORE POWER AND MONEY

At a Friday White House Security briefing, FEMA Deputy Administrator Joseph Nimmich said the agency must double its number of field agents by 2020 to contend with the rising threat of a domestic insurgency. He lobbied a union of high profile guests that included Department…

FEMA BARGES EN ROUTE TO HAWAII

A flotilla of FEMA barges, each able to hold 2000 people in cramped conditions, set sail from a secret staging area near San Diego and is currently en route to Hawaii, says a FEMA employee speaking under condition of anonymity. The vessels, he said, departed…

FEMA Detains Displaced HAWAIIANS

The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) has targeted displaced citizens who fled their homes under a mandatory evacuation order following Mt. Kilauea’s catastrophic eruption earlier this month, says a FEMA agent speaking under condition of anonymity. Residents of Leilani Estates, an affluent neighborhood threatened by…

FEMA Aresenal Discovered At Cleveland WalMart

The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) is hoarding a massive cache of firearms in at least one Cleveland area Wal-Mart, says an employee wishing to remain anonymous whom accidentally stumbled upon an enormous quantity of military-grade weapons in a chamber normally secured behind digital lock…