Vatican Offers Obama Asylum

The Vatican has offered disgraced former president Barack Hussein Obama political asylum and protection against persons and organizations seeking his incarceration, says an Obama confidante speaking under condition of anonymity. Pope Francis, he said, personally penned a four-page letter praising Obama’s accomplishments, while anguishing over the trauma Trump and his Republican cartel had inflected upon him. Trump’s ascension to president, the letter said, was an affront to God; righteous justice would prevail over the shroud of infernal darkness Trump has unleashed onto the world.

In the meantime, the pope’s letter, which was delivered in a diplomatic pouch bearing the Pontiff’s Holy Seal to Obama’s Washington home, urged Obama to flee the United States before Trump acts on a series of unlawfully written, sealed criminal indictments. When that happens, not even Obama’s former presidential status can shield him from prosecution.

The pope promised Obama safe passage to Vatican City and guaranteed a contingent of his private guard—the Knights Templar and Brotherhood of the Cruciform Sword—would protect Obama and his family from all threats, foreign and domestic, for the rest of their natural lives. Moreover, Pope Francis gave Obama his undying fealty and vowed to reject all extradition requests imposed on him or his loved ones.

No American intelligence operatives, the letter went on, had ever penetrated Vatican security, whereas Jesuit agents have held seats of political power in Washington dating back to the early 1800s. Apparently, Vatican spies embedded in the American political structure learned of Trump’s plan to imprison Obama and funneled their findings to Pope Francis.

“For whatever reason, the pope is enamored with Obama. He truly believes Obama is the chosen one who will right all the wrongs of the world today. He is playing right into Obama’s arrogant, egotistical attitude. He obviously doesn’t offer sanctuary to just anyone. The tone of the letter implied Obama’s freedom is in immediate jeopardy, and that he’ll be safer at Vatican City than any other location on the planet. He seems genuinely concerned with protecting Obama from Trump.”

Moreover, the context of the letter intoned that Trump’s bellicose attitude and cruel and capricious behavior is eroding the fabric of contemporary society. Trump’s misguided deeds are undoing all of Obama’s work toward worldwide social and financial equality. The pope also wrote that Trump is a direct threat to religious freedom.

“The wording of the letter is unambiguous: the pope feels Trump wasn’t satisfied getting out of office. He feels Trump is obsessed with Obama and will stop at nothing until Obama is behind bars,” our source said.

But he believes Obama will graciously decline the pope’s invitation. Both throughout and after his presidency, Obama has surrounded himself with a troop of “yes men,” each contributing to his salient arrogance.

“Obama thinks he’s bulletproof, untouchable,” our source said. “Unless the walls start crumbling around him, it’s unlikely he’ll seek help from anyone. Maybe after someone breaks down his door and drags him off, he’ll wish he had accepted the pope’s help.”

He said the letter closed on a curious note; Pope Francis reassured Obama spurious allegations of Vatican misconduct, yarns of his immediate retirement, and tales of Interpol seeking his arrest were clearly “fake news” stories conceived by pagan infidels looking to subvert Catholicism.


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